When memories reveal a truth you don't like...

When I fell in love with my companion, J, I marveled at this: what stood out to me was not the way she made me feel, but the way I felt about her. Previously, I could list a "thousand" things about the way someone made me feel: I felt loved, happy, beautiful, alive, valued, or even safe... But I never thought too much about the way I actually felt about the person I was with. And that difference led me to a pretty shattering conclusion: although I have loved previous romantic partners, I've never actually been in love with anyone. I have no emotional memories of having felt anything more than deep caring, or in some instances, flat out obsession, for the individuals in my past.
This, naturally, is not the typical realization one has. J herself has been in love, and subsequently heartbroken, on more than one occasion. I have no frame of reference for such things, because my sorrow over losing past "loves" nearly always involved what I was losing in terms of physical or emotional gratification, not the actual person herself (or himself, as the case may be). I feel pretty terrible as a result of this realization. Not only is it embarrassing to come this far in life without being able to say I've had the experience of truly loving another individual, but at times I feel emotionally ill-equipped to handle the demands, and grown up aspects, of a truly romantic relationship. As a result, there are multiple misunderstandings and deeply hurt feelings on a pretty regular basis. I know it is not unusual for Aspies to say they have never been in love. I also know that a deep connection with another individual is possible for an Aspie, but it takes the right person to make that happen. Without question, J is that person for me.
And that leaves me with quite a bit of work. Not only must I overcome my insecurities, handicaps, and general anti-social tendencies (for it is much easier for me to simply be alone and, quite frankly, be miserable) but I must also continue to stretch myself. I must participate in the tending of our relationship, lest we lose this incredible gift we've been given.
A final thought on the difficultly of falling in love with the right person, or simply falling in love period: my wise friend Laura pointed out that it's actually very difficult to find someone to love. If it weren't, she says, then everyone would be in love and the world would be a much better place. Indeed.