Reflections on 2013

As this year draws to a close, I find myself in deep reflection. One of the darkest chapters of my life unfolded in late 2012--losing my brother Matthew. I was hardly in a celebratory mood as we entered the new year. I spent nearly all of January in a black cloud; I hardly moved from my couch most days. Oh, I did my job. I took care of the most basic of things. I found a few things to complain about on this forum. But beyond that, I simply couldn't function. Sometime in February I admitted to a close friend that my life was a wreck. Things needed to change or I was not going to survive this loss. That's when things started to turn a little. I started going to the gym every day, a habit that one friend would later call a "crutch". I started to follow politics again, and began an inward search to discover the "real" me. One discovery? I was alienated from the LGBT community, and that separation was KILLING me.
Sometime in the spring, I started to take a close look at what was happening in my state capitol. The atrocious behavior of both our Governor and his party finally got me off my couch: I began to blog about the issues, and eventually participated in the Moral Monday demonstrations. It was there that I sensed my true place in this life: law. I decided to have a career in law, something that might not have happened had I not lost my brother.That's not to say  I lacked the passion and interest before he died, but that I lacked the courage or even the will to try in the first place.
During the summer months, a season I generally loathe, I connected with J. Oh, we have always known each other, it turns out...at least we have since I moved to NC. But we didn't really KNOW each other. That changed this summer. I am not sure why, but I guess this was just our time. Our year. I fell in love with J, a process that turned what remained of my old life upside down. It threw the proverbial wrench into her life as well...
So here I am, one year out from one of the worst days of my life. The life I have today  is unrecognizable from the one I lived on the afternoon of December 7th, 2012, just hours before my phone would ring with heartbreaking news. I did not know it then, but my life ended that day, too. The relationship, the home, even the person I had become, all fell apart that day. One year later, I stand in a very different place. I have new career ambitions, I am with the person I always dreamed of being with, and I am making a new home for myself. I am different physically, and for the first time, I can truly say that I am happy. I have new dreams, too: I want to share my life with J, and eventually have a child with her. I want to get serious about both my writing and my artwork. But most of all, I want to make the most of every day I have. I don't want to squander the gifts my brother gave me upon his death.  I know what it means to love and to be loved, and I want to live a life that radiates that.