Thinking about "Hate"...

Lately, I've been thinking about hate. Specifically, those who hate me, and how I respond to them. Hate is everywhere--on the radio, on social media, on our streets, in our hearts. In my heart. My reaction to people who hate me--regardless of their reason--has been, at least recently, to hate them back.  And that made me wonder, why have I become that way?

A simple google search on hot button issues--gay rights, race relations, police issues--yields an impressive amount of negative, hateful material. Scrolling Facebook is no less eye-opening. My own page is not innocent. I often rant, re-post articles with my own angry commentary included, and post memes that are not exactly "healing". I am afraid that if I "play nice" on social media, folks will think I've stopped caring about those things, or that I have forgiven those who hate me and work to make my life difficult (try being married to a cop in this climate).  I think it's so easy to hate others these days because it's just so available. Every news story seems to highlight the disparity between groups of people, no matter the topic. It's a continuous barrage of divisiveness. 

 

But it's not healthy to live in a constant state of anger and unhappiness, which I think is what hatred really stems from. It's also not Christ-like. And I long to be a good example of God's love. When I unplug from social media and stay away from talk radio (NPR included), and simply live in my community, I see plenty of good things. I don't see the hatred that is so prevalent when people are "protected" by their online anonymity. And I see my own heart softening. When people find out that my wife is a cop the majority of them tell me how much they appreciate our police. Most people don't seem to care that I am married to a woman, that I am white, that I have tattoos. The list goes on. And I find myself bringing Christ into the world around me by just being nice. It doesn't mean that I still don't get mad, or that I have a handle on things. But it does mean that I am trying to manage my response to their hatred. I cannot make someone else like or appreciate me. But I can control how I react. I can decide not to hate them in return. 

On taking a stance

About ten years ago, I read a book about so-called Godly sex. Now, there are probably hundreds of books about that topic. But Lauren Winner's Real Sex:the naked truth about chastity was different. It had statistics. It was realistic.  It offered solutions. And it was interesting. This book was, at the time, cool. And as the pastor of a young adult congregation, I was eager to pass it around as soon as I'd finished reading it. 

So I was both surprised and curious when I read that she no longer felt comfortable giving sex advice to Christians. Or anyone, for that matter. In other words, Lauren Winner is distancing herself from her contribution to the no-sex-till-marriage discussion.

Which got me thinking about making bold declarations, then softening one's position later in life. What compels someone to behave like an authority--as Winner did in her book--then abandon that stance? And how uncomfortable is it to have that new "belief" while also knowing that your original position is on record, out there for anyone to find?

I feel for folks like Lauren Winner--people who were firm in their footing, then for whatever reason, were lifted off the path and found themselves in an entirely new place. It makes me cautious about dispensing my own thoughts, and leaves me with the uncomfortable sense that I, too, have some bold declarations out there that I'd like to distance myself from.

On life and a crummy vacuum

Recently, I read about a business concept called the 'sunk-cost fallacy'. For example, if I spend money building my website for my company, that money is a sunk-cost. It's gone. Where this takes a wrong turn is when the product is bad--if I never get traffic, and therefore clientele, from my website, but I keep the site going any way, I begin to wade into the waters of the sunk-cost fallacy. I incorrectly rationalize that it's too late to dump the website because if I do, I'll lose everything I've put into it. But the truth is, it's already gone. That time and money will never be recovered--what can be saved is future financial pain. I can stop that by getting out now.
It reminded me of a real life bad investment of mine--a pricey vacuum cleaner. I bought the questionable appliance over two years ago. I saved both my money and gift cards and went to Target, picked out the model and color I wanted, and happily went home. That was the happiest I was to ever be with that damned vacuum. It doesn't work. In fact, it is worse than that--after it somewhat picks up dog hair and cat litter, it redeposits it onto the floor the minute you shut it off. But here I am, over two years later, still with my crummy vacuum because I spent so much on it. If I get rid of it, I lose my money. I am defeated! But you know what? I was defeated the minute I bought the thing. I lost my money years ago. But if I toss the thing today, I can save myself many future headaches and pointless vacuuming sessions.
The sunk-cost fallacy applies to so many things in life--relationships, jobs, you name it. We stick around because we think to leave now will be to forgo any possible returns we'll get in the future. If you're in a terrible relationship and have been for years, you hesitate to leave because you've invested so much time, and well, maybe things will get better and you will get the 'return' you've been hoping for. Instead, you're simply delaying the inevitable--you made a bad decision, and at some point you will have to face it. Just because you sunk a tremendous cost--whether time, love, or something else--doesn't mean you'll get a great return.
But you know what? That's OK. There is, in fact, a return on a bad investment. It's called "learning". Learn from your mistake. You need not go down with the ship; get to dry land and continue on.
Yes, it hurts to lose so much. It is embarrassing to fail. But if we tie ourselves to a "bad investment"--the job that is going nowhere, the long-term relationship with the wrong person, the money pit of a house, the failing business--we are not free to get into the right situation. And the right situation will come with the returns you've wanted so much.

Happy Mindful Year

Happy 2015! I know this is resolution time, so I thought I would offer up an "easy" one: be mindful. J told me living in the present and being aware of right now is on her agenda this year. That is a really good place to start, no matter what your other goals include. 

I imagine part of being mindful means noticing things. Who and what is around you, and why. I had a brief look into my future back in the summer of 2001. I had no idea, though, because I failed to really look at the people around me. J had come into my life, as most of you know. She did not stay long, but perhaps if I'd paid attention, she might have. I did not notice that the person in my peripheral vision was my soul mate, was the person I would laugh with, grow with, share hopes and plans with; the person I would weep with over shared losses. I did not see that potential because I failed to NOTICE. What ever you may be searching for--a career, a love, a dream--it might be right there, going unnoticed. Pay attention. Be mindful. Look around you--what you seek is out there.